Project FYB: Week 28
Noticing negative thoughts and words has become much easier. I see how easy and how often my thoughts and words go negative. I see how I can let them get out of hand and make myself get sad and depressed. How important it is for me to only take in media that is fun and funny. I already get plenty of the negative media without even trying, it’s all most anyone talks about! It’s boring, though. I’m tired of hearing about all the fear and negativity.
So just don’t focus on it. Ignore it and focus on the positive!
Okay, I’ll get right on that.
It’s about being strong in my own convictions and protections. I must keep my words positive not just so I can feel good, but so I don’t downward spiral into negativity and depression. (I don’t think normal people have this problem.) Whatever I focus on grows, so I have to focus on positivity!
And there really is so much positivity n the world, especially if I look close for what to be grateful for. What I want is to just be happy naturally already. I want to wake up positive every day. I want to think only positive thoughts. I want to speak only positive words. What comes up to meet that is the pushback. By that mean, the fear and worry. It tells me that it’s too hard and tells me to focus on how far I have to go, not how far I’ve come. And I have come very far, but why do I have to keep dealing with this crap pulling me down and holding me back? I swear I’ve written about this many times already. So when will it go away?
It just seems to be a part of my story. I have all this good, joy, wealth, positivity welling up inside of me, and yet, I have another side that is trying to keep me from the place I wish to be. There must be more to learn from it. I must need to do more work around it.
I’ve done so much work around it already, when will it end? Probably never. I bet I will always have something I need to work on. Like most people. So what do I need to focus on now? What do I need to release now?
I need to sink into the fact that it’s not always easy and to sit into that feeling and to find joy anyway. Finding joy in the process is something I would like to get better at. I tend to want to just get where I’m going as fast as possible. It’s true for traveling and it’s true for working towards a personal goal. Sitting into the fact that I am not where I want to be and taking a moment to appreciate this feeling. To take a moment to look around and enjoy it, even if it doesn’t feel good. To live in the moment a little more. What if I decided to time travel back to this exact moment? What would I appreciate about it? Why would I come back to this moment?
My future self would come back to this moment because…………
Because I would find beauty in the growing and learning process. Because I would want to come back and remind myself just how it felt to be in the middle of big change and growth. To be mindful about it and look at my feelings and let them happen but to see them and not get attached, knowing that things are changing. To look around and to feel grateful for where I was. Grateful because it was a stepping stone to get me to where I wished to be, where I am now as my future-self looking back. If I were to travel back in time to this moment, it would be to be grateful for the fact that I’m writing about my journey and that I even have time to write about it. That from where I was six months ago, I am much healthier and happier, much more equipped to deal with life.
I would come back in time just to feel this feeling again, to pay attention to it and to remind myself how it felt. To use that reminder to be grateful for what I have in the future. I can have gratitude for the fact that I get to sit down on the couch with a cat in my lap, and I get to write about what I’m going through.Grateful that this writing helps me to change, and even inspires others. The fact that I get to do this is something to be grateful for. The fact that I am working towards my goals every day is something to be grateful for. The fact that I get to work on myself and work towards my goals every day is frickin’ amazing! The fact that I even have drive and have goals is something to be grateful for!
I feel that I am on the brink of a whole new life, so coming back in time just to feel that and to look at it and relish that feeling, that buzz and energy that builds like a wave before it breaks. Those are all things that I could travel back in time to feel again, in this moment.
So who cares if I’m not where I want to be? I can still feel good right now. I can still be happy with myself. I can trust that I will get where I’m going, and that it may not be dramatic change right away. It will probably be incremental; change that I won’t even see until a month or several have gone by.
What I get to do — what I choose to do — is to enjoy it anyway. To pretend that every moment is a moment that is worth traveling back in time to experience again, and to look for the reasons why that’s true. That’s how I find a way to live in the moment, that’s how I am present for the moments of my life, that’s how I can stay in gratitude, that’s how I can find pleasure in the insecurity, that’s how I can love my life even if it’s not where I want it to be just yet. That’s how I learn to be mindful, that’s how I learn to watch my thoughts and feelings and to not let them rule me, that’s how I can live through a challenging time in history and not let it get me down, that’s how I keep my happiness game tight.
Every time I pretend that I’ve travelled back in time to be here, I see the world through the eyes that a tourist would; everything is amazing and wonderful, everything is a sight to behold, everything is new and exciting, and I can make anything fun. Even when I’m getting overcharged as tourist, it doesn’t matter, it’s just a part of the tourist experience! Even when I get lost and end up desperately asking anyone for help, hoping someone speaks English, it’s still an adventure, and I love adventures. It’s all a part of the experience of living life.
Project FYB: Week 27
Where am I right now? It feels weird. Weird because it doesn’t seem like I should be able to recognize it. I see that I’m in between where I came from and where I want to be. The game is paused and I’m in between levels. Behind me, the old reality, my old self, my old life. Before me, a new life, a new frequency filled with abundance, love, joy, prosperity, optimism and good energy. I feel both sides pulling at me.
The old reality isn’t happy that I’m leaving, and it’s trying to draw me back in. It’s a putrid pit of liquid lava-shits. It smells like a million old diapers got sprayed with a million skunks and then the skunks died. It’s using old thought patterns, old negative beliefs and fears to try to remind me that I must be afraid. The fear creeps up inside of me and I start to think that old shit-pit wasn’t so bad after all; maybe I should go back. I’m already covered in that same shit, no point in trying to get clean.
The new reality, the new frequency, isn’t trying to pull me at all. This place smells like the edge of a forest when it’s just beginning to rain and the winter daphne is blooming. A sweet and gentle scent I would love to turn into a cookie. It smells like cookies, too. It knows that I’ll get there when I get there. It knows I’m supposed to be there — that everyone is supposed to be there because it’s what we were born into (and then forgot about). The energy of this new frequency is powerful, it’s buzzing and spinning and as I acknowledge it, I feel myself beginning to be swept up in it. The frequency of infinite wealth, of optimism. A reality where I think and speak positively, where I manifest what I want with ease, where love overflows and joy is abundant. The golden light from this place is warm and healing and as it shines on me, the crap that I’m covered in starts to melt off.
I see both of these worlds and I turn back and forth between them. I can’t stay in the middle forever, I have to choose. I can choose to go back and continue to feel afraid and worried about money, the future, life, everything. Or I can choose to trust the universe, trust that I am always taken care of, trust that whatever money I spend will always come back to me a thousand fold. The choice seems easy, right? It is, and I choose the better place.
But then…self-doubt creeps in. I turn back to the hole I crawled out of. The monsters that live there have been watching me and they seize this opportunity and snatch at my feet with their oily, warty, gray-skinned hands and thick yellow finger nails. They claw at me and try to pull me back down there and, for a second, I think I should just let them.
But no! I’ve worked damn hard to get here and the fact that I am standing here, that I can even see my progress and to see that I have a choice in which direction my life takes, that’s frickin’ incredible! I bask in this sense of accomplishment for a moment, then I get down to business.
I close my eyes and gather up all the love, joy and gratitude that I can muster and I hold it in my hands like a golden glowing basketball and I dunk it on top of their soggy, lumpy, gnarled, and poorly proportioned heads. They retreat in horror, letting out a series of piercing, blood-curdling howls and screams as they release their grip and fall back into the shit-pit where they came from. I look down at them and laugh, not because I’m happy to see them fall, but because I’m surprised that I ever let those things have any control over me. Before they even reach the bottom, they’ve already forgotten about me.
They have billions of other people they can feed off of, people who don’t know that they are even being controlled and manipulated by these monsters. Monsters who thrive off our fears, off of our anxiety, our guilt, or negative thoughts and words, off of our low self-esteem. They feed and grow and lure more people into their waiting embrace and most people don’t even know that they are surrounded by monsters, that they are controlled by monsters, that every single negative thought they think, every negative story they repeat is feeding those disgusting beasts!
I choose the new life. It means I release the guilt that comes with buying anything at all for myself, no matter how small. Instead, I accept that I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of luxury and wealth, and as I accept this, I attract more of it into my life! I choose to feel gratitude for the fact that I am allowing myself to feel worthy of some new clothes and some new shoes. AND, in doing so, I declare to the universe that I AM READY FOR MY NEW LIFE!
I leave behind with them the low self-esteem, guilt, fear and worry that drove my life thus far. They can keep it all!
Still, I don’t hate those beasts. I send more love to them, knowing that it’s just their role in this universe to feed off of fear.
At last, I whip around to face this new life I’ve chosen to step into.
This place is populated with enormous creatures too, much larger and much more powerful than the old ones. They are as profound as angels, ready to help me, ready to create whatever positive thing I want, if only I am to ask! They are there to love and support me and my dreams! They are there to wrap me up in a security blanket made of infinite wealth and abundance, sewn together with thread made from the love of a trillion angels, blessed with the joy and happiness that I was (and you were) born with! They’ve been waiting for me to find them again, and now that I’m here, they treat me as royalty.
This is the new reality I choose to live in! This is my new frequency!
I always have more than enough here — more than enough money, love, joy and abundance! This is the place where I love myself and love my body! Where I know what I want, I ask for it, and I get it! A reality that supports my desires and works every minute of every day to help me to achieve them! This is the frequency I choose to resonate with. I am love. I am wealth. I am abundance. I am joy. I am happiness. I am optimism. I am positivity. I’m filled with gratitude for this life and for every day that I get another opportunity to attract and accept more good things into it!
I am home again, surrounded by everything I could ever want or need. I am safe, I am secure, I am at peace. With every breath, life gets better and better. Fuck yes.
P.S. After writing the first draft of this post, I went to check the mail and an item I ordered was waiting for me. Look at what was on the outside of the package!
Project FYB: Week 26
I decided I would stop talking about my worries about six weeks ago. It’s not that I was talking about them a lot, probably less than most Americans these days, but I was still talking about them during many of my conversations, especially with my husband.
I would wake up feeling worried and I would have to spend the first part of my morning refocussing my mind so I could start the day right. This didn’t work most of the time, and by the time my husband woke up later, I would launch into whatever fear was harassing me that day. I would vocalize any worry I had, feeling that I needed to talk about it in order to process and release it, that vocalizing my fears was vital to my happiness.
Tyler would just let me do it, too. Sometimes he would be overwhelmed with my loud, fast, powerfully emotional worry-talk, but most of the time he would just let me run myself out and then try to reassure me that everything was going to be okay — “because it always is and that’s how we made it this far.” He almost never talks about his worries and I don’t know if he cultivated this intentionally or if it just came naturally to him, but he just doesn’t really vocalize his fears. So when I told him of my new intentions, he was more than just encouraging, he was relieved.
True to form, I came up with some rules for this new practice, deciding that if I wasn’t going to talk about my worries, I would at least need one day a week where I could talk about them as much as I needed to (not as much as I wanted to because that may’ve never stopped). I also decided that if something urgent came up, I would still talk about it. Lastly, if there was some sort of issue with anyone that needed to be resolved, I would still talk to them about it. I wasn’t going to just shut off all worries and live in denial; the point is to be happier, not a pushover.
It was a Monday when I began, Wednesday being the day when I would talk about whatever worries I had been bottling up during the rest of the week. Throughout that first day, I found myself biting my tongue a lot, holding back whatever fear popped into my head, most of which were trivial anyway. Tuesday, I was doing the same thing but about half as much as Monday. By the time Wednesday rolled around, just two days in, I didn’t need to talk about any worries at all. That’s right, it was just a matter of days before I did not feel the urge to talk about my fears. Days! It was like shutting off a tap: a few drops fall after you turn the handle but then it’s just off.
What I marvel at about this practice is that when I stopped talking about the fears, worries, and what-ifs, the fears, worries and what-ifs stopped coming! They just stopped popping into my head! It became much easier to simply focus on what I wanted rather than what I didn’t want. It became much easier to feel good waking up in the morning.
Now, any concerns I have I just don’t dwell on. It’s easier to follow my intuition and do what feels right and let go of the fear. Since I’m not using fear and worry as a tool to cope with humanhood anymore, it isn’t the first thing I turn to when I need to tackle an issue.
I feel happier, freer, calmer, more relaxed and easygoing, but that’s obvious. Even more than that, though, I have gotten out of my own way. I see now that every time I vocalized my fears, I was literally creating a barrier between myself and my joy. Building a wall between myself and the life I want. I was holding my own self back! I would work on my happiness and follow my bliss and prioritize my joy all day long, but every time I spoke about whatever I was worrying about, I added a few bricks to the border-wall between me and the version if me that I wished to be.
The person I was only six weeks ago was a different person, a fearful person. I mean, I still have fears now, but I don’t dwell on them like I used to and I don't let them rule my life. I was always talking about what might happen and trying to figure out how to control and manipulate the future. Where am I gonna work? Will my old job reopen? what if it does reopen? Should we move to someplace cheaper? Where? Are the cats gonna be okay with a move? What will happen to this house when we leave? On and on! And even though I can’t answer any of those questions right now, and I do feel a small amount of fear around them, I do not let the fear dictate my actions anymore.
It’s easier to sit back and let the universe work it out for me. It’s easier to let go of the outcome and to put in the footwork to create the life I want. To say the prayers, mantras, affirmations and do the workings that pull the future that I want towards me. When I stop focusing on all the possible negative things that could happen, I let the good things pour in!
It’s easier to do the next right thing and to even recognize what that thing is. I can tell when I shouldn’t be writing about something, because I don’t know how to write it and the more I try, the more drained I become. I can tell when I shouldn’t be scrolling or searching for something because it does the same thing — I become energetically drained and overwhelmed. If it feels natural, then it’s what I’m supposed to do and if it feels shitty, it’s not what I’m supposed to do. Simple!
A couple weeks ago I cracked my laptop screen and I found out it would cost the same amount to replace the whole computer as just the screen (it’s a mac and I’d be replacing it with the same model). That day, I searched and searched for options. I reached out to a few laptop repair people and they all said the same thing; they would need to replace the whole top half, and even a used part would be several hundred dollars. I looked into buying a new laptop, same model, but it didn’t feel right, so I decided to wait. I hooked up an old monitor to the laptop and used it like that, waiting for something to nudge me into action. I prayed and wrote and asked and believed that this whole issue would be resolved better than I could imagine. (Much easier to believe this when I’m not talking about my fears!) That’s my go-to request; “may this issue be resolved swiftly, and in a way that’s even better than I can imagine.” This way I don’t limit myself by my own limiting beliefs. I didn’t talk about any of the worries I had around it, and I just waited.
A week later, I read a facebook message that had been sent earlier. I don’t keep up on Facebook messenger, I just check it occasionally, so I was reading it late. It was sent about the time I decided to just let go and wait. The message was from one of my loved ones, offering to buy me a new laptop for my birthday. I SHIT YOU NOT. I am writing this on a new laptop. I haven’t had a brand new laptop for over ten years!
This specific outcome is something I never even considered when I was doing my prayers/mantras/writings. The only thing I kept repeating, kept asking, was that it would be resolved even better than I could imagine. I asked for that, and it FRIGGIN’ HAPPENED.
What does this have to do with the worries, you ask? Hundred percent, this is because I got out of my own damn way and stopped feeding the little worry monster. That little creep gets bigger and bigger and invites his friends, fear and anxiety, and then they all have a non-stop rager at the expense of my happiness. They force me to act out of desperation, to push hard and to go against the flow of the universe, when all along the universe has got something better in mind for me. I asked for something better, stopped counteracting that request with worry-talk, and then the universe opened up and said, “finally — we’ve been trying to get this to you for a long damn time but you kept pushing it away. Good job, keep up the good work. Universe, OUT.” (Maybe not exactly those words but you get then picture.)
It’s just so rare that I start a new happiness-practice, a haptiprac, and see such instant results. Two days! Just two days is all I needed to break the habit. If you’re reading this and wondering what kind of tangible step you can take towards creating the life you want, or becoming a happier person, or becoming a less-anxious, more relaxed person, I invite you to try this. Try not talking about your worries for the next few days, be patient and loving with yourself if you relapse, and watch how your life changes!
Until next time.
P.S. Thank you J and G for the new laptop! Love you.
Project FYB: Week 25
There is gratitude that has come since I got through the grieving process. Yes, it was tragic. Yes, it happened to me. Yes, it was physically, emotionally and spiritually painful. Yes, I still get a little sad when I focus on what I went through. However, I feel so grateful for this moment now. A moment in time when I am free, I have everything I need, I am healthy, I am loved. All the annoyances and mini-dramas that pepper my day don’t really matter because I am full of gratitude for what I have right now.
Okay, obviously I am not in that exact headspace all day long, but after a really heartbreaking event in life, once we are through the grief, if we choose to, we can experience joy in a new way. In such a way that we can appreciate life and our everyday routine more than ever before. I appreciate all the love I have in my life, all the generosity and beauty. I marvel at what my body can do even without thinking. I’m amazed at what us humans can create out of thin air! I appreciate all the good things that I experience all day long that I never used to notice.
I’ve experienced many tragedies in my life (brag), and they’ve all been, well, tragic. They’ve hurt and I’ve cried and felt depressed, angry, lethargic, and annoyed at everything. In the past, it’s taken me a looong time to work through grief, to just get my feet back under me, and to start to feel happiness again. This time, however, I knew what to do.
I was already working on myself and taking control of my own happiness. I was already writing gratitude lists, meditating, exercising, eating nourishing foods, praying, and healing old wounds. So, since doubling down on all my usual practices, adding lots of time for grief and crying, plus giving myself a break, refusing to let my mind go to blaming myself, oh and also, psychedelics; a little over a month later, I feel good. Not okay, not fine, I feel good.
There’s an Abraham-Hicks video I watched just before the painful event (my future-self was prepping me) and, although I often have trouble following them, this time, something stuck out. For every painful, horrible experience there is in the world, it has it’s equal counterpoint in joy. For me, that means that every time I hurt worse than I ever have before, that pain is matched by the most incredible joy I’ve ever felt. It’s all about context.
The only way I can feel the warmth of sunlight and even know what sunlight or warmth is, is if I go through the bone-chilling darkness. The only way to find out what pure joy feels like, is to know what utter despair feels like.
Now, I’m not trying to belittle the joy one feels when they’ve never experienced any kind of tragedy. I’m sure they are grateful for their lives, too. They are probably healthy, well-adjusted people. I just don’t know any of them.
All the people I know who are grateful for anything, know just how bad it can get. They’ve been though darkness and come out the other side not defeated, not miserable, but happy to be a part of this world, happy to be alive. My husband and best friend is a great example. He's an ex-junkie who died twice, and almost a third (and probably final) time with a gun in his mouth before he quit. My favorites are those who’ve lived through the shit.
I don’t claim to know what happens before we’re born or what happens after we die, but I like to believe that we go to a place where we feel no pain. That perhaps, in this heavenly place, our cosmic-selves who are something like angels or infinite beings, are sitting around, lazily playing video games. They (our cosmic-infinite-angel-selves) get to pick their character and get sent to earth in whatever form they want, human, animal or otherwise, and get to explore the world using the avatar of their choosing.
Why would our cosmic-selves want to do that? Why would they want to go through the pain of birth and life and heartbreak and broken bones and grief and death over and over again? Especially when the alternative is feeling bliss for eternity? Becaaaauuuuse!, the only way to really appreciate the feeling of bliss is to put it next to the feeling of pain. The pain serves to contextualize the feeling of pleasure and joy that comes with merging with the infinite love/god/cosmic operating system that runs everything.
Earth is the game-world, and we are the avatars of our highest-selves, our cosmic-angel selves, just sitting around in a group playing video games. The whole point is to have fun. That even in the pain, one can find some sort of peace, knowing that pain is a feeling, that fear is a feeling, that love and joy and pleasure are all feelings that we get to feel, that we chose to experience. And when we die, we take the VR glasses off and our cosmic friends go,
“Daaaaamn! That was CRAZY!”
“I wanna try being a human again, but I want to be raised by gazelles!”
“I want to be a human again but this time I want to be a real shit-disturber!”
“I want to come back as a hummingbird!”
And we start it all over again, if we want to.
What I’m trying to say, and what so many different teachings all over the world say, is that what we perceive as reality is an illusion, a super-duper hyper-realistic illusion, but an illusion nonetheless. Our job is to find the peace in whatever life the avatar we chose is living. Even when it’s hard, even when it’s short, even when it’s full of tragedy, remember that this is just a game we’re playing in our cosmic-living rooms, sitting around smoking cosmic-weed and eating cosmic-potato chips on a lazy Saturday afternoon with cosmic-friends. Life is meant to be enjoyed; now go play.
Project FYB: Week 24
I know a lot of people who don’t ask for what they want and then are disappointed when they don’t get it. I am one of them. Why don’t I just ask for what I want?
Why? I don’t feel like it's important. I feel that it doesn’t matter that much, I can just do whatever, or have whatever. And you know what? I am more direct and honest than most people and I still don’t ask for what I want! I have to force myself to ask in a direct way, not some circuitous way, which isn’t really asking at all. “Do you want to do the dishes?” Instead of, “Can we do the dishes now?” “I’m not really feeling Thai food tonight,” instead of, “I want to eat leftovers tonight.” It seems almost rude to ask directly, right? I think, however, that it's more about what we think we are worth.
If I don’t believe I deserve everything I desire, then why ask for it? What happens is I get sad when I don’t get it and it makes me feel like I’m not good enough even though I totally did that to myself! I repeat the pattern to create a situation where I don't feel good enough because that is a deep-seated belief. If I would’ve just asked for what I wanted, it could've at least had a chance to happen. Maybe the answer would’ve been no, but what does that matter? It’s just a no!
We just create these problems for ourselves and let it go for years and years and years and suddenly we look back and go, “whoa! What happened?” WE happened. We do it to ourselves!
I know I do!
It has been new and weird learning to ask for what I want. I feel bad doing it! Let that sink in! I FEEL BAD ASKING FOR WHAT I WANT. But why? Why can someone who as straightforward as I am and who doesn’t have a problem saying what’s on her mind (seriously ask anyone), struggle with simply asking for what I want? Sometimes it’s big things but usually it’s many little things all day long. As if I’m so worried about offending or hurting someone that I won’t even just ask! Because the truth is, in the end, it’s not my responsibility if someone else is offended and hurt by a question. It’s just a question! And although I have been hurt and offended by a question before, that’s really on me. Other people’s emotions are not my responsibility.
Then again, it’s still good practice to at least consider the other person’s emotions before asking. It gets out of hand when I let that consideration rule me. Where I sweep my wants and desires aside and silently get more and more resentful of the other person without them having any clue what I'm resentful about and then, (seemingly out of nowhere in their eyes), I blow up. I get mad and upset when it was my own actions that got me here!
It’s been interesting observing just how challenging it is for me to ask. I have a birthday coming up, the one day I should feel comfortable asking for what I want, and I really had to force myself to do it! I just find it so interesting that I am ready to advocate for others or listen for what others want and make that happen but when it comes to myself, I don't prioritize my desires. Part of that is definitely martyr-ish. I sacrifice my wants and needs to help others, oh i’m such a good person, etc. (eyeroll). But if we’re all going around sacrificing what we want for others then none of us are getting what we want and all of us are unhappy for no reason!
So I’m gonna end this one with a call to action: try asking for what you want, no matter how small. Try it! Let me know how you feel about it and how it goes!
Until next time.
Project FYB: Week 23
The past few days have been rough. What a struggle with overwhelming, powerful, crushing depression. An avalanche, a fast-moving river, and ocean of depression all working hard to drown me. For me, this has to do with fear. Fear of what might happen, and replaying those thoughts over and over and over again. I overthink things a lot, and sometimes I wish I just didn’t think very much at all. I am envious of those people who don’t think, who just let stuff be without worrying about what might happen.
Trying to focus on the positive didn’t help. Writing about it didn’t help. Really, not much helped at all. I let myself feel it, hoping that it would pass if I embraced it. That did not work. I exercised hard, because often for me if I do that then my whole mental state completely changes. It didn’t work. None of the things I could think of helped me much, and today I woke up feeling bad again. Those bad feelings forced me out of bed early, where I prayed hard, asking, nay, begging, for help.
After praying, several things happened within a couple hours that helped me. I was nudged to take to sacred tobacco (rapé, pronounced “ha-peh”), and then to meditate to a guided meditation on YouTube. The one that popped up was one specifically for detachment from overthinking and worries.
The rapé helped to immediately interrupt the negative thought rat’s nest that I was in the middle of, and the meditation brought it home. Wow. Thank you, spirit team, thank you ancestors, thank you HGA, thank you god.
While meditating, it popped into my head that I should just try to feel the feelings as if I were already in a positive headspace. Like “fake it til you make it,” but without any denial. More like directing my energy towards the positive, leading it with the act of pretending, in the hope that it will get there soon enough. That seemed like a great idea that I could actually manage.
However, this didn’t last. I decided to do some writing from this positive space, in order to process and heal the issue. I do this all the time, and it works beautifully. Not this time. It didn’t send me into a quite as deep a spiral as before, but it still started up again. Quicker this time, I decided to interrupt this thinking and watch a video about positive thinking. The first one I picked was about reprogramming the mind, from a guy I was unfamiliar with. Again, it was perfect. Again, thank you, spirit team.
So next, I decided to exercise. Lo and behold, when left alone with my thoughts, they turned negative. So frustrated, I exclaimed, out loud, “stop it!”
Right after that, Tyler woke up and came out to see me sweaty and looking sad. He asked if he could do anything and I said I just needed some alone time. Concerned for my well-being, he brought over a bunch of magical oils from Sphere + Sundry, namely, the Son of Apollo oil, Sol in Leo oil, and The Empress oil. After asking me to apply them right away, before I finished working out, I reluctantly agreed and I applied all three.
See, I know that they work, but something kept me from going for it. Depression and negativity are like little monsters that live inside of us, always waiting for a chance to come out and when we pay attention to them, they grow and it gets harder and harder to transmute the negativity into positivity.
After exercising I thought I’d watch another video from the guy I mentioned before. My rationale being that if I cannot keep my own thoughts positive, I need to keep them focused on something positive. To fill my head with all the positive videos I could find, in order to keep the negative thoughts out. Another winner.
This combination has helped to change my thinking. I don’t feel the crushing weight of negativity and depression upon me, trying to hold me down. I know that this feeling of depression is fleeting, and my future self is already laughing about this issue, thanking me for pushing back against it, thanking me for using it as an opportunity for healing and growth.
Another day gone by.
Until next time.
Project FYB: Week 21-22
The past couple weeks have been very challenging. While I feel obligated to write, I’m still too close to the pain to really write about it with any kind of perspective.
This won’t be the usual post where I share my experience and how I go through it, because it feels premature. I will say, however, that I have turned a corner. I don’t feel sad all day every day, and I am truly amazed at how quickly I’ve bounced back. With that said, here are some observations I made in the middle of it all. Each of these will probably be full-fledged posts one day, but for now, I just don’t feel that I’m in the right head space to do that.
Observation #1: When I’m sad, I tend to pick on myself. I become hyper-critical of my body and my self-esteem plummets. This time, though, I was able to recognize it and knock it off. To just put a block over that part of my mind, to not allow it to go there.
Observation #2: Disaster stories run in my head. I love being optimistic, and that’s especially true because I came from a place where I was always worried. This old habit gets picked up again when I am sad. But again, I recognized this early and worked to stop it.
Observation #3: Money worries go away when I am grieving. This is definitely because I just don’t have the energy to worry about it anymore. This I am totally fine with. It’s something I hope to hold on to.
Observation #4: I turn to sugar and carbs, but only temporarily. I got myself some sweets and ate most of them, but after a few days it just didn’t feel good anymore. This is new, and I am pretty impressed with myself at how this played out. I am eating whole, nourishing, grounding, home-cooked, nutrient-dense foods. No takeout or carb-heavy meals, which is what I have turned to in the past when I’ve been upset.
Observation #5: I realized that there is never a perfect time to do your dream. Before this, I was waiting for inspiration and creative energy to flow. Now I realize that I was just standing in my own way, and now is as good a time as any to get started achieving my goals.
Observation #6: My daily practices have made it so I am much more equipped to handle such things. This tragedy disturbed my emotionally, physically and spiritually. It made it so I didn’t want to pray or meditate or exercise, but since I was already doing those things every day, I couldn’t just stop. I kept praying even though I was mad, and I found that I got help in healing. I continued to meditate even though it’s as poorly as when I first started, and I was able to center and ground even if just for a moment every day. I stopped my usual aerobics exercise and instead turned towards walking. Doubly beneficial because it forces me out of the house, these walks have turned into a good method for processing what I’m going through.
Observation #7: I’ve been playing with perspective. From a different perspective, a lot of things can be spun positive. Usually, though, this only comes with time and distance. While still allowing myself to grieve a loss, I have been trying on other perspectives. Asking myself how I would feel about the situation if I believed different things. It turns out that this helps.
Observation #8: While I haven’t had enough distance from this to fully process and move on, I have to say that through it all I’ve been surprised at how I’ve been handling it. I have grieved many other times in my life, and this is the first time where I feel that I’ve been proactive about healing. Where I didn’t wallow or over-indulge in the feeling of grief, because that’s all it is — a feeling — and it can be changed.
Observation #9: There really is so much to be grateful for. I am so fortunate for my health, my wonderful husband, and my incredibly loving and supportive friends and family. How wonderful to know that I don’t need to go through this alone.
Until next time.
Project FYB: Week 20
Money, money, money! Who doesn’t have some sort of negative belief or fear around money? A fear of not having enough, that once it’s spent it is never coming back, that it’s hard to come by and reserved for those who already have it. Like many, I grew up with a mindset of lack.
When I started working on this blog, I knew I would have to really face my money issues, release them, and replace them with positive beliefs.
To be fair, I started this journey about a decade ago. It does not feel good to constantly be in fear about money. To always feel that at any moment I could be totally broke, any money I had gone in an instant. So I definitely wanted to change that! I did affirmations and visualizations, and my money situation steadily improved and is getting better every year. However, I still had a lot of fear around money. Fear of not having enough. But it’s deeper than that, isn’t it?
On this journey of self-discovery, I identified a deep-seated belief, the belief that I was not safe, that I needed to be afraid, that I was not secure and that I was not taken care of. This belief ruled every other belief in my life, and since I didn’t know about it, I let it control me. The money issues were just an offshoot, born from this belief of that I should always be afraid, that I was never safe.
This is why my money visualizations and affirmations didn’t work very well; they were being blocked by the core belief of fear. See, if I were to get more money, if all my money worries were to evaporate instantly, then I would feel safe and secure, which would directly contradict the deep-rooted, formerly all-powerful belief that I was never safe, that I should never feel safe because I never am. The reality is, though, that I must feel safe and secure before I can change my money beliefs.
Wow! What a revelation that was! It’s like I said in my last post, changing your beliefs doesn’t work if you don’t get to the core of the issue. Affirmations for wealth and happiness will not work if you don’t heal that belief about fear.
My husband, on the other hand, doesn’t really worry about money. He has had to talk me down so many times, sometimes multiple times a day, talk me down from my impossibly high fear-of-not-enough ledge. Recently, this led me to adjust the way we do finances. It used to be that I was basically in charge of paying bills and checking the account and saving money. Why even would I do that when I’m the one who had the money fears? Probably a subconscious way to reinforce that fear-based belief system. A couple weeks ago it hit me — I should not be in charge of our money at all. I should let my husband, who is almost annoyingly confident about money, do all that stuff. I even deleted that last thing that was keeping me tied to that money-fear belief system; the bank account app on my phone. It was weird.
I was checking the bank account many times per week, if not every day, and now I don’t check it at all. I was paying the bills and seeing the money go, but now Tyler does all of that. He acts as a buffer so I can take some time to really, truly, and finally heal those beliefs about money. I am free to focus on abundance, and to pretend that we have infinite money. And why not? Why not use all the tools at my disposal to create a mindset of abundance?
Of all the money practices I’ve done over the years, this has shown me the quickest results. I feel more relaxed, less stressed, and rarely worried about money. When I do feel some worry creeping in, it’s much easier for me to acknowledge and release it without vocalizing it. After years of trying to manifest sums of money and failing, I actually did manifest some unexpected income! I started small, but it worked! That is the first time that has ever happened. Since I started with such a small amount, it was much easier to let go and detach from the outcome, and to be pleasantly surprised when it worked. So then I tried a slightly larger amount, and that worked too! I am continuing to increase the amount I wish to manifest. I know some people are just good at that kind of thing, but before now, I was always worried that I wouldn’t get it, that I would fail. Those worries pushed the money further away from me.
I did a lot of work to get here, and I know the idea to relinquish control of the banking definitely came from my spirit team, but I did have to listen and take action! I also know that I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in my life, I feel that I have finally worked through the worst of my money issues, that I can be positive and optimistic about money at least 51% of the time. With all this in mind, I am excited to see how this year turns out.
I actually have many different regular practices that I do specifically to heal my money issues and to attract more wealth. Should I share them with you sometime? Is that something you’re interested in? Maybe I’ll do a whole extra post just devoted to my money practices.
Until next time.
Project FYB: Week Nineteen
This last week has been so good, chock full of golden nuggets! Pieces of tek that have been floating and buzzing around me for over a decade, just waiting for me to focus my attention their way and to reveal more to me.
I’ve been interested in the law of attraction for ten-plus years. Starting with The Secret, I’ve been working on and learning more about LOA for quite some time. Who wouldn’t want to use their minds to create a life they wish to lead? To attract more money, a better job, a great partner, a wonderful home, etc? As usual, though, it’s not as simple as all that.
For years I’ve heard that thoughts create reality and if only I were to do affirmations I could create my own reality, too. That may work for people who are already free from the negative beliefs and programming from their upbringing or our culture, but it does not work for me. I have to go deeper to reprogram my mind and to direct my thoughts. This is where the tek revealed to me last week comes in. So let’s just dive right in!
If we want to create our reality, we have to be able to control our thoughts. It’s as simple as that. No matter how many affirmations I say, if all I’m thinking about is negative stuff, then all I will get is negative stuff. Before this, I knew how important meditation was, but more in an intangible way. Realizing that I can use meditation as a tool to create my own reality: well that gives my meditation practice some fire!
Our thoughts can’t be allowed to run away with themselves, dragging us along for the ride into a a place that’s filled with anxiety and fear. If we have to control our thoughts, we have got to MEDITATE. We have to sit and observe where our thoughts go, and then gently bring them back to a clear space, free from all thoughts.
I’ve been meditating almost daily for over a year now and I can only clear my head 1-15% of the time. The other 99-85% is spent thinking. Thinking about anything, really! An imaginary conversation, what I want to do that day, a weird dream I had, but it doesn’t matter. Just that tiny bit of time spent with a clear mind makes a huge impact in the rest of my day. Even when I’m not meditating I can recognize my thoughts and pull them back to the positive. They still try to control me and sometimes they win, but lately I’ve been able to direct them better than I ever have before. Meditation, no matter how poorly it’s done, is vital for success with the LOA.
Now, here’s how I do it:
I sit up straight and I hold my hands together in a circle. I definitely recommend finding a mudra that works for you. To get started, I use the 10-count breath method from the free version of headspace. This is where you count every in-breath and out-breath as one. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, blowing deliberately so my breath sounds like waves crashing. At the end of five breaths, I’ve counted to 10, and then I start over. I do this a few times with the intention of clearing away thoughts and relaxing into the meditation. After that, I relax my breathing and just focus on physical sensations and sounds. This is a great way for me to ease into focusing on nothing. Usually my mind wanders, and when it does I bring it back to that clear space of nothingness. I give myself some positive reinforcement every time I recognize that my mind has wandered and I bring it back. Sometimes I have to restart the 10-count breath if I’ve let my thoughts start racing, and sometimes I just have to take a few deep breaths and focus on those breaths in order to release some persistent thoughts. I meditate from 10-30 minutes, usually stopping around 20, but it varies.
TL;DR: Meditation is how you can learn to control your thoughts, and when you control your thoughts you can create your reality.
I love affirmations and have been doing them for years, but in the past it has often taken years for any of those affirmations to get through! Not anymore! This is such a cool piece of tek that’s been revealed to me last week! However, I feel compelled to go into the basics of crafting an affirmation, even though I’m sure a lot of you already know how. I’m going over it just in case.
Affirmations need to be created in the positive. Talk about what you want, not what you don’t want. And say them as if they have already happened. “I want to be a millionaire” becomes, “I am a millionaire.” “I don’t want to be poor” becomes, “I am financially free,” etc.
Another important step that is often overlooked, is this: you have got to go deep into your subconscious and figure out which beliefs are running your life. It doesn’t matter how many times you repeat, “I am a millionaire” if you subconsciously believe that money is evil. The subconscious will win out every time. So in this case, a more manageable first step affirmation would be, “money is a powerful force for good in the world” or something like that.
For me, none of my affirmations work unless I heal the part of me that feels unsafe, or that felt unsafe. So the affirmation, “I’m safe, I’m secure, I’m taken care of” has become a foundation for all the other affirmations. None of them work for me unless I know I am safe, because when I feel unsafe, I am always afraid. Figuring this part out takes time and probably some ego-death. So get down to business! Get some psychedelics or maybe just a lot of weed and ask that medicine to help you. Allow yourself be honest with yourself. Let your ego die so you can have a better one. I know it’s challenging, but you’re a badass! Now own it!
Once you’ve got all that taken care of, then you can get to the actual supercharged tek that I discovered this week. A couple really good affirmation hacks that seem to beam affirmations straight into my subconscious!
OPTIMISM IS A SPELL
Isn’t that beautiful? What a poetic way to say that our thoughts create our reality. I can’t take credit for it; that belongs to the Jack Sparrow of the chaos-magic world, author/blogger/podcaster Gordon White. He said this last year when all this covid stuff started to get crazy, and it really struck me. I knew that optimism was important, but it had never occurred to me that just by staying hopeful and positive, I would be doing magic to create my reality. It’s been nearly a year since I heard him say this and it took that long for me to marinate on it and then finally take action to actually become optimistic. How did I do that, you ask? Well, I had to learn to control my thoughts! Meditation and affirmations directly contributed to me becoming optimistic. The cool thing is, you really only need to be optimistic 51% of the time in order for all your thoughts to change. Just get to that 51%, and pretty soon it’s easy to be optimistic and it’s easier to recognize the negativity and change it!
TL;DR: Use meditation and affirmations to become optimistic 51% of the time, and your life will improve.
Prayers should really be up at the top, because they underscore everything here. If you want to start doing any of this but can’t find the motivation to start, pray for the motivation! If you are having trouble meditating, pray for help during mediation! Pray for meditations that are easy and effective, pray to be able to control your thoughts, pray that your affirmations are effective and fast acting, pray for optimism, pray for whatever it is you want. Pray for faith! And I don’t care who or what benevolent force you pray to, just do it. You can pray to God or god or gods, spirits, rocks, nature, the sky, the universe, your ancestors, whomever!
This will add thickness to all the other practices. You will find that solutions to your problems are beamed into your head, seemingly coming from nowhere. That’s your spirit team, doing what they can to offer solutions! As someone who really only started skeptically praying in the last year, I can say that without a doubt, this practice has been profoundly helpful and has made a huge difference in my emotional health.
TL;DR: Just pray already! It will help with every other practice here and with your life in general
Reading this is all well and good, but it does not matter one bit if you don’t take action to change your life. Nobody is going to save you. When you are honest with yourself, when you take care of yourself, heal yourself, love yourself and allow yourself to grow and change, you are literally changing the world. You become a beacon of light and hope and love for the rest of us.
Yes, it’s challenging, yes it’s uncomfortable and painful and awkward. Yes, you’ll find yourself weeping and miserable, crying out, “what’s wrong with me?!” as you dissolve into a puddle of your own tears and snot and drool, but, fuck it. How bad do you want to be happy? How bad do you want the life you know you were meant to lead? How bad do you want to just feel good already?? So get up and do something about it, right now. Do something to signify to the universe that you are ready to change, ready to release your victim-mindset or your childhood resentments or your rage at the world or your fear of the world or the certain denial you’re in (we’re all in denial about something). You can do it, because you are a badass! I believe in you.
Until next time.
Project FYB: Week Eighteen
The culmination of all the work I’ve been doing over the past few months has led me to a point where I am sick of feeling any negativity. I hear my words and tone more objectively and notice more frequently when I am bringing myself down. 2020 was a rough year; my whole profession disappeared and my life completely changed. Not only that, but finding a way to stay happy when everyone around me was succumbing to the fear-industrial-complex that is the NEWS, was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo draining! I had to really dig deep and find a way to ignore it all and to know that if I just trusted myself and did not try to convince others, then I could get through it. It turned me into a jaded person, and now I am just coming out of it. It was a very deep hole to have gotten into, not just for me but for the world at large. It’s challenging not to feel that way when everyone else does. It’s not over yet, but something about a new calendar year makes it easier to acknowledge the issues and move forward.
It’s time to climb the thousand tiny, steep steps out of the deep dark hole and work up towards the light. No matter how deep down we’ve gone, we can always climb back up. It’s what they tell people who think they’ve hit rock bottom (I say “think” because you’d be surprised how much worse it can get). I wouldn’t say that 2020 was a rock bottom for me, not in the same way alcoholism and addiction drove me to rock bottom, but it was a type of rock bottom.
It was hard, and dark, and very lonely. I had to acknowledge a lot of my own demons and work to release them. I had to find out who I really was and stick to it, detaching from the opinions of others and remaining centered and grounded. Obviously that’s not what I did all day every day, but I definitely got better about it! I had to see my self-esteem for what it was: very low, and then work to reprogram myself and see myself for the magnificent being of light that I am (and that you are too!).
I still struggle with it. It’s not over yet, and that is what I want to talk about. Getting better, actually becoming the person I wish to be; a person who is calm, centered, who trusts that everything will work out fine, who is patient and kind towards herself and others, who knows when to fight and who knows when to let it go, who feels safe and secure and who spends as much as her day as possible in gratitude and optimism. If I want to become that person, it means I must let go of the bad habits that feel good. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol in this instance, I have found my plant allies and I know what works and what doesn’t for me anymore. I’m talking about the habits that are mostly thought- and word-related.
Habits like running possible negative scenarios in my head and how I would handle them. From car crashes to getting yelled at in the line at the grocery store, to a hypothetical argument about house slippers set way in the future. Saying, “of course that would happen” when I hear something negative. Sharing negative stories just because I like the drama, not for any sort of emotional relief. Allowing myself to indulge in worry and fear and letting myself spiral downwards instead of taking action to change and feel better. Hearing about some sort of drama and allowing myself to have an emotional reaction towards it and a vocal opinion about it. Negative self-talk, especially around writing and body image. All of these habits, in their own fucked up way, feel good to engage in. They don’t do me any good, that’s for sure and in fact, all they do it make me feel shitty. But, just like I said last time, feeling shitty is what I *used* to do best. It is what I know, along with stress, worrying, and being defensive (all characteristics that were programmed into me but that I don't let define me).
Feeling bad about myself doesn’t do anything but make me continue to feel bad about myself, yet it’s been quite the challenge to let it go. Maybe it’s because I am mad at it. I fight it, rather than acknowledge it with love and release it. All those habits used to serve me and protect me. They made it so it would be much harder to be hurt by the world and the people I met, because I didn’t expect any good and I didn’t try very hard. Those habits that for a time would protect me, now they only work to hold me back. They keep me from becoming the person I wish to be, the wildly successful, radiant, jovial ball of optimism and fun that I know is there inside of me. The person who has a healthy, happy relationship with money, who loves herself and her body, who puts her faith in a benevolent universe and knows that everything will be good and perfect because it is good and perfect right now and it has worked out very well in her life so far, despite all of her attempts to destroy it. The person that knows that life keeps getting better every year, if only she is to shine the light on her issues and always keep growing.
I’m tired of being angry, worried, anxious, fearful and depressed. I’m tired of thinking and thinking and thinking some more about what might happen. I’m tired of arguing with someone in my head over something that hasn’t happened and may never happen. I am tired of feeling bitter, jaded, and insecure. I acknowledge that those characteristics did me some good for a short period of time in my life, and I thank each and every one of those little monsters for their help in getting me through some very dark times. But now it’s time to say goodbye. I peel every single one from it’s home around my heart, and I cast it kicking and screaming into the ceremonial fire. I release them from the burden of my spirit which captured and imprisoned them, so that they can be transformed into something free and beautiful and utterly delightful. I let them all go, and finally, I make room for my own abundance.
Whoever is reading this, I urge you to think about the habits that you find pleasurable but that only hold you back and hinder your overall happiness. Which patterns no longer serve you? Really think about that, then, purge! Throw them into the fire and if you feel like sharing, please do. I'd love to hear about it in the comments.
Until next time.